Turn and Face the Strange

ledge

By A.C. Gaughen

There are lots of things I didn.t expect with this surgery, like how it felt to deal with anesthesia (it was miserable, but then it was over), and how it would feel to approach food again (I was more anxious than I really care to admit). Something I really never expected, however, was that right now, four weeks post op, I.m faced with the opportunity to eat whatever I want again.

That.s right! I assume it.s because my band, which currently is unfilled, is too loose around my stomach, and I.ll start to feel it after the first fill, but right now, I can eat anything. I haven.t tried eating red meat (I.m still a little nervous about it) but I.ve eaten cereal, bread, rice, pasta, two pieces of chicken at dinner, and all sorts of things I didn.t think I.d be eating for a long time.

I.ll be honest, it doesn.t feel good at all. Because already, only a month out, I am looking at myself and all my bad habits. I thought I would get a brief reprieve from really dissecting all my vices, but there they are, literally waiting for the first chance to bite. And I.ll be honest, I haven.t been the model LAP-BAND®it (which probably has something to do with not writing on here as frequently.) and almost instantly, I.m thrown back into the same old cycle of negative self-talk and getting down on myself because of the choices I.m making; the hardest part now is resisting that age-old urge to say, .Well if this doesn.t work, nothing will. I should give up now..

Because that.s the real rub. I pontificated until I was blue in the face that I understood that this was no magic wand, magic bullet, magic band.let.s just say magic in any respect.and yes, mentally, I know this. However, four weeks after surgery, feeling like a failure before I.ve even gained any weight or done anything really wrong, I.ve realized two things: a) part of me will always be waiting to give up and b) emotionally, I saw this band as a kind of salvation, a kind of magic that would take the bad things away without too much effort on my part.

Of course, that.s totally wrong. I.m not going to be giving up any time soon (but I still think it.s useful to realize that I do want to sometimes.it.s like GI Joe, knowing is half the battle), and I have to be totally proactive, and for the first time, really believe in myself and my own success, because without that belief, I will not succeed. It.s both that complicated and that simple.

Increasingly, it seems the hardest part about weight loss is changing the way I think about myself.and allowing for those changes to be positive.