After Thanksgiving

After Thanksgiving

I really hope I turned a corner today. Do you ever get that feeling, that you feel like you might have stumbled across an important emotion or it might be gone in the morning? I hope its the former more than the latter.

So, at Thanksgiving, no one knew about the surgery, which was unexpected. They were family friends I'd just assumed knew about it, but they didn't, and I didn't bring it up. It was nice to talk about my career and work and life without talking about weight, but I also realized how much I wanted to have them go, “Oh, my, god you look fabulous” and have it feel genuine and earned. Because obviously people who know will say that to me, but I'm never sure if they mean it.

Anyway, I've been so nervous and anxious about the whole thing that I feel like I've forgotten why I started this whole thing in the first place--to feel better about myself. I want to feel like the way I feel on the inside matches how I feel on the inside, and I want to feel like people see me and not my unfashionable sense of dress (which is part and parcel with being overweight--there's no such thing as chubby fashion) or my weight, or my insecurities written all over my body.

And yet, I haven't been trying all that hard. I mean I have, but inconsistently. I've been waiting for the band to kick in, but it's like high school chem class--just because your lab partner hasn't been helping doesn't mean you get a pass on the report. It just means you have to work twice as hard to get ‘er done.

I think I've just been thinking about it the wrong way. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight on the band, but I'm trying to lose weight first and foremost. And while I started this endeavor to get a little help in the weight loss department, I did it primarily because I was--am--ready to lose weight.

So why do I feel so nervous about the idea of going it on my own?

More to the point, when am I going to start believing in myself?

Resources

To learn more about eating healthy, check out these titles from Amazon.com:

You: On A Diet: The Owner's Manual for Waist Management

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery