Revising Resolutions

By AC Gaughen

You know, this time of year always makes me think about my weight. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. How many resolutions revolve around weight loss, or for the more PC minded, “getting healthy”? How many commercials for Jenny Craig (way to go Valerie Bertinelli) and Weight Watchers (my dog has a toy that looks just like the “Hungry Monster”) are we inundated with this time of year? Weight loss surgery (the LAP-BAND®, for those of you who are new to the blog) changes things. I talked a lot with a friend this New Years about the idea of a false positive. Not on a pregnancy test or a math proof, but with weight loss goals. So many times I was “ready”, and I was totally convinced that this would be the year, I would finally do it--and I would choke. And I’m not a choker. I follow through and I have a lot of self discipline, in every area of my life but the one that has arguably been most important--my health, my weight, and my diabetes.

It was a false conviction, a false positive, because all those times, nothing had changed. I hadn’t ever challenged that core belief that I would be significantly overweight my entire life, and without refuting that, I couldn’t move forward. I couldn’t be who I wanted and get the results I wanted without first believing that it really was possible.

The funny thing about those kinds of goals is that you really don’t know what the problem was until it’s over. I could have never anticipated the bone-shaking cut of weight loss surgery--it sliced through me and straight into the non-believing core that I never knew existed. I’m still trying to fully digest this idea that I can do this and will do it, even that I’ve already lost significant amounts of weight, but I’m unbelievably relieved to have those awful months behind me. The first few months, I saw and understood the very worst parts of myself, the weakest and least desirable. I had to--and am still learning to--love them, as both part of myself and part of the process.

So when it comes to resolutions, of course weight loss jumps to mind. I’d like to lose a hundred pounds this year. I’d like to be off diabetes meds this year. But most of all, and the one that will probably take the most resolve, is I want to learn more about myself. I want to see myself, to know myself, and to love myself.

We’ll see how it goes.