So, I went in for my third fill, right after the holidays, and I gained two pounds. It's been more than a week since then, and I feel l've been in a bit of a tailspin. When I first saw the scale and realized I'd gained, I felt a little relieved. I know, that sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I felt relieved. And I thought it was because I knew I'd have to gain eventually, and getting it over with early on--dealing with those emotions and still being positive and committed--felt like a blessing.
Except for this tailspin business. Honestly, the more time that comes between me and that date on the scale, I'm wondering if my relief didn't come so much from the fact that I was “getting it over with”, but more from that sneaky little interloper that's hidden beneath the surface, my little saboteur. One of my first blogs here I discussed how I never really believed in this process. I never really believed I could lose weight.
I honestly think I still don't believe it. I don't believe that I can succeed in this, and so I've totally given in. I think the nail in the coffin came with approach of my endocrinologist appointment. I know that my diabetes isn't going to have changed as much as I hoped it would. I know the results aren't going to be what I want, and so I've dropped all the balls in the air.
Unfortunately, this isn't Weight Watchers and I can't just give it up. I can't just stop going and pocket the forty bucks a month with a smile. Sometimes I look at the scars on my stomach and I think they're a reminder of all I fail to do, all the ways in which I'm not working hard enough, that I took this crazy step and now I'm what, losing my nerve?
They can't, though. I have to stop looking at myself and my actions as this competitive race, without knowing who or what I'm measuring myself against. When I look at the scars on my stomach it has to serve as a reminder not that I took this crazy step, but that I made a promise to myself. I made a decision to support my weight loss even when I don't want to, even when I want to give up, even when I want to back out. And while it won't work if I'm not willing to work with it, it's not going anywhere. So in these crazy times where I don't really have anything figured out or anything settled down, the one thing that I can trust is this little plastic band inside me.
I have to figure out how to have faith in that, and in so doing, faith in myself. It seems to be the real problem that's under everything--I don't trust myself. So how do I figure out how to start doing that?
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